Spirals

So I’m five days out of detox.

ME.


That is such an utter mindfuck to say. But damn, it feels good. I am at peace in heart and soul. And now I will find peace in my head.

I’ve learned so much. About myself and my demons, about how strong my support system is and about how strong I am to be able to pull myself back
from the edge and change. And I am so thankful for it.

I’ve learned about the power of my anxiety: the debilitating anxiety resulting from being mercilessly bullied and never being able to feel like
I could fit in or trust that I could be liked and accepted. And how the drink silenced the anxiety and made me okay.

And then it didn’t.

And then the drink heightened the anxiety, sending me into spirals of fear: fear of being misunderstood, fear of saying the wrong thing the wrong way,
fear of hurting people, fear of pushing people away and being alone, never mind that I KNOW now that I am loved and accepted and I am the happiest and
most secure I’ve ever been in my life.

Fear of living a self-fulfilled prophecy.

It’s all over now. I fear the work ahead to stay clean and purge the demons. But I’m not afraid of me anymore. And with that I am fucking untouchable.