Piss off...

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Relaxin' with BfB

12 weeks/3 months clean. And, more than ever I'm feeling good: confident, unburdened and relaxed. Yes, relaxed. Me, the very epitome of nervous neurosis. Because I'm not worried about it anymore. I don't have to keep up with the maintenance: wondering if we have enough (never enough), planning how to get more, sneaking more, wondering who knows what, retracing my steps in horror and wondering what I said and how...I can now just relax (well, as much as I can relax) and just be. And it's great.

I'm to the point now where all the cliches are ringing absolutely true, albeit cheesy. Truly I was sick and tired... And a million times over, yes: my worst day today is better than my worst day then. I still can't totally relax. I still don't know the extent of the damage I did, the alienation I may have caused, etc. And I'll live with that shame and try my damdest to make it better. But it's out of my hands, and all I can do is sit back and wait and see.

I'll do my best to relax while I'm waiting. It feels kinda good to do so...


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