Piss off...

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Craptacular

Modern science needs to come up with more effective shit-sucking technologies.

Sure, you always have to take a nanosecond or two to prepare for stank when entering a mens room (women, of course, don't have this problem, since women don't shit or burp or eat steak or quarter pounders). Knowing that a wave of foulness is about to hit helps to dull the blow somewhat. But some days...

Really, though, what makes two sane and rational people carry on a conversation through stall doors?

One was actually outside the stall today, discussing Gal*Mart defense pricing strategy in the Albany market with his cohort...who was TAKING A CRAP at the time. Simple litmus test, people: would you do it at home? "Man, this is a great game! Hey, let's discuss the infield fly rule in my bathroom while I take a dump!" Would you do it then? Would you invite a complete stranger in to piss in your shower while you casually shit and discuss the retun on your mutual fund with your buddy? No? Didn't think so.

Shit.

The weekend approaches, and I have no plans, and I'll probably get nothing done. And this bothers me. I must become more proactive. I don't have time to be tired and piss off, not when all I have in life is this goddamn moment right now. Yet I also have no money and no drive after a balls-out week at work and commute and a lot of reading to catch up on, and it's going to rain. It's a racket, this life is, and fuck if I know how to game it.

That said, I do know that I'm going to keep the door to the bath closed. The best arias are, after all, performed solo...

4 Comments:

Blogger porchwise said...

L.B.Johnson, when he was President, used to take a dump in the Oval office bathroom with the door open so he could converse with various cabinet members. I guess it's some kind of tradition you and I missed out on, thankfully.

10:50 PM

 
Blogger RitalinKat said...

Tips on Office Shitting:

a) Find a one toilet bathroom in your building where you are the only one in there..Comes in handy for those grunters and hershey squirts. b) If you have the two or more stall bathroom, try timing it so you are there first... if someone comes in, start moaning a lot. If they talk to you, grunt even harder and dont answer them.
c) Wear an ipod or walkman to the can and sing at the top of your lungs drowning out all conversation. d) Post venereal disease material on the back of every stall door and above every urinal or prostate exam information, not only will they be enthralled with the info, they'll be too busy checking out their own packages to talk to you. e) change the vd info, with vd info you can get from skanks or butts.. I assure you, you will be able to hear a log plop.

2:24 PM

 
Blogger cold blooded said...

One guy in my office has no shame. He marches down the hall with the NYT folded under his arm, then uses the handicapped stall and folds the paper out on the floor. Every day. I prefer my "safe haven" - a single bathroom on a rarely occupied floor.

5:51 PM

 
Blogger Mintyfresh said...

Tommy Lasorda used to do post-game interviews with an open door as well. And L.B.J. actually did it in front of Doris Kearns Goodwin, believe it or not. I don't want to know...

10:04 AM

 

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