The Agony and the Slightly Less Sucky Agony

What. A. Year.

Ultimately there was a lot of good, mainly on the writing front. And especially on the personal growth and development and self-awareness front.

But to get there? Hell and More Hell. Mortifying, Painful as Hell Hell.

I was told that I'm jinxing it to say that it can't possibly get worse in 2012, but I say it because I believe it, and because I believe in the write-it-and-it-shall-be-so school of turning it around.

It can't possibly get worse.

Fifteen and Life

Fifteen weeks clean tonight. I've had some major bruises of late, and next week looms large on the horizon. I am an absolute basket case until we get past that.

But I'm optimistic. I survived the bruises without spiraling. I righted myself and kept going. And I feel all together after going through it.

This is all new to me, all this life-altering change and re-writing of my past, present and future. But I'm doing my best, and so far, not bad...

Solitary

Sunday night, delaying the alarm and reflecting. 14 weeks clean, which means that 15 weeks ago now I was probably well into my evening "cope" and utterly lost.

I remember an old Al-anon commercial with an overwrought, ham-handed mom saying, "drinking made me lonely. Lonely, lonely, lonely!" I used to laugh at the pitiful off-off-off-Broadway performance (and I still do, of course) but I don't laugh at the message anymore. It is so true. And at the same time, your judgement and perspective are shot. Great combination there...

I feel like I'm emerging. But there's a hell of a lot to emerge from.