C Sucks

Too many Cs floating around lately. To wit:

Cough and Cold, which are currently wracking my body into pieces
Cats: two new five-month old sisters, both of whom have the energy and persistence of a meth addict, and the incumbent, whom we’ve had for almost eight years and is less than thrilled to have the new interlopers invading her turf
Compassion: which I have an endless supply of, and an endless capacity to try to use it to save the world, make it all better and take away the pain of everyone I care about. And I have no idea how to even think of how to take care of me, as a result.
Crazy: my new work situation, with at least half of the processes I rely on daily moved out of the building to Carolina. As a result I am feeling quite crazy of late.
Clean: staying so in the midst of all these other swirling Cs and their evil voices to get me to “Cope” like I used to
Cs involving certain reproductive organs that I can’t really get into and can’t really face. See Crazy and multiply many times to see what this is doing to me.

I really don’t like C. Really. Can I move on to D?

Also

Most of you who check in here know me well enough to realize that my gallows humor and shit-flipping bitchery are getting me through this, and I would expect nothing less from you all. Nothing is off the table: no joke about Moi the Lush is out of bounds, no bragging about how great your margarita(s) was is too much...just treat me like the hackneyed drunken writer cliche that I am. All good.

59 Times The Pain

Sad, Depressed, Physically, Mentally and Emotionally Exhausted...that's me.

Hi.

I'm not allowing myself to spiral into the depths that I've lately "enjoyed", and I still have zero desire to drink. But the weight of maintaining myself is seriously getting to me. Hypersensitivity, fear of my words and my control over them, fear of hurting, fear of being misunderstood. Nothing new, really, I've been fighting these demons my whole life. But it's way more pronounced now as body and brain go through the detox and reprogramming process. Some days, like today, it's all I can do to drag myself out of bed, go through the motions and not give in to the paralyzing fear that I'm not going to make it. I would never hurt myself or anyone else, but I'm so afraid of interacting with anyone, lest I say
something that might possibly be misconstrued as hurtful. And yet I need to be surrounded by my kind, loving, caring friends more than ever now. And I
need to vent, but I don't want to come off like a whining, panty-wearing oh-so-sensitive darling. Where the hell is the balance in life? Where am i?

Am I doing okay? Am I okay? Will I be?

Patience is a Virtue I Sometime Have

Hypersensitive emotional weekend. All I can think is that it must be a result of bod and brain going through such cataclysmic changes. Which is good, but not really when I'm going through it. I know I'm putting in the effort and I know that this too shall pass. Still, right now I can't help feeling that I'm damaged goods and that I've pushed everybody I care about away for good. Really, this is the beginning of a long road of reclaiming and rebuilding myself, and my true friends will be there and have been there. But I just want normal now...

Friends and Countrymen

I need friends. I need MY friends.

I have such a great support system, and I rely on the friends within. But it's mostly virtual.

I need friends to get through this massive life upheaval.

I need my friends in NYC, and Austin and Dallas, and St. Louis and Chicago, and LA and Seattle all in the same place. I need a house full of good food and big laughs, comfort and comraderie and hugs and support.

But it's hard enough to nail down time for dinner with friends I live ten miles away from...

Tired

Eastern Prom, Portland, car windows open to the Atlantic in spite of a few drops. Got an hour plus until meeting my addiction counselor. Figured I'd come here and try to clear my head, since going to a bar would kinda not be such a hot idea.

I. Am. So. Tired. Tired of trying to stay looking forward. Tired of sneaking looks backwards at all my shame. Tired of trying so desperately hard to be better. Tired of hoping that people may realize that I'm not a total flake. Tired of trying. I have no patience right now, and I just want to be at zero. Back to "normal." Not struggling and feeling miserable.

But I have a long way to go before this agony gets better...

Crashing, Not Burning

I'm an emotional wreck today: sad, sad, sad, touchy, hyper-sensitive, overwhelmed.

But no desire to drink. And a strong determination to not continue spiraling further or engage in my usual self-sabotage. Progress? Maybe?

Baffling for Breakfast

Okay, so maybe this forum will become the recovery journal to an extent. My audience is minimal, and it's certainly better to pour it all out - which I feel the need to do - here rather than a bunch of meepy passive-aggressive Facebook statuses.

This is hard. So hard. I am walking emotional wreckage.

Seeing all my demons, coming to terms with how they affected me and others, the mortification of it all...a life of self-sabotage and kicking my own stall door open.

As my counselor has said, this is not a death sentence, and it doesn't have to get worse. And that's so true, and I am taking the necessary steps to change, get better, BE better.

Because I don't ever want to be like I was and have been again...

Ruminations

Holy Shit! THIS IS MY LIFE!!!

I Am a Rock

I am alone.

I have the most loving, caring, supporting wife, family and friends I could ever hope for, and I am reaching out as much as I know how.

But ultimate, I am alone. I am the only one that knows my pain and struggles. I am the only carrier of my demons. I am the only one that can purge the toxins and get back to some semblance of normal.

I have done it before, and will rise again. But I can only rely on myself, and I'm struggling with how to do so when I am my own worst council.

I am never alone.

But I

Am

Alone...

Spirals II

Major tailspin day today, but I am staying ahead of it, NOT allowing myself to spiral out of control and NOT drinking it away.

Endings are really Beginnings...Endings are really Beginnings...Endings are really Beginnings...